Ezer Kenegdo: Is a Woman Supposed to Be a Helper or an Adversary? (2024)

The Torah is filled with beautiful and complex phrases, each one giving us an opportunity to study its meaning and the lessons held within. In the story of creation, a most intriguing phrase is used to describe Adam’s life partner – Chava. Hashem, after the creation of Adam says; “It is not good for man to be alone; I will make for him an ‘ezer kenegdo’.”¹ This term, ‘ezer kenegdo’ has been the source of much debate and interpretation. The term ezer means helper, while the word kenegdo can be translated as ‘opposite/opposing’ or ‘against’. In the following discussion we will see various understandings of this complex concept, and through it, gain an understanding into Jewish marriage and partnership, also touching lightly on the aspects of the role of women and gender relations.

At first glance, the term ezer kenegdo seems contradictory: ‘ezer’ means a helper, while ‘Neged’ literally means against. Did Hashem create Chava to be ‘against’ Adam? It is clear from the pasuk and the context that Hashem wants to create a mate and partner for Adam. Different authorities translate the term differently. Some examples of common translations are; a suitable helpmate, a fitting counterpoint, or a helper corresponding to him. But what do all of these mean in practice?

The Two Creations of Man

To understand this, we need to know more about the creation of this ezer kenegdo. The story of the creation of Adam and Chava is related twice in the Torah, each time with different details. Once in chapter one, and again in chapter two. In chapter 1, the verses state: “And God created humankind in the divine image, creating it in the image of God— male and female he created them.”²

Chazal extrapolated from the wording of this pasuk that in this part of creation, man and woman were created as one being, known in Talmudic terms as an androgynous, some say as one body with two faces.³

In the second chapter of Bereish*t, man and woman become two separate entities. This event takes place after Adam names all of the animals. He sees that they come in pairs, male and female, and realizes there is no suitable mate for him among them. It is in this context that Hashem uses the phrase ezer kenegdo.

The Torah shows us that to fulfill our mission we need a partner. This is true even for animals, yet for them it is purely practical and physical. For humans there is more than one dimension to being a pair. The Torah scholar Cassuta explains, that not only is this relevant for physical aspects of life and procreation, emphasized in the initial creation (of one male and female creation) by the terms zachar and nekava, but also on the ethical and moral level, emphasized by the term ezer kenegdo; a help mate that is fitting to him.

In the second telling we see that Isha is created from the rib of Adam. Thus when Adam says, flesh of my flesh and bone of my bones, he is not merely being poetic, but rather quite literal.

The Torah shows us that to fulfill our mission we need a partner. This is true even for animals, yet for them it is purely practical and physical. For humans there is more than one dimension to being a pair. The Torah scholar Cassuta explains, that not only is this relevant for physical aspects of life and procreation, emphasized in the initial creation (of one male and female creation) by the terms zachar and nekava, but also on the ethical and moral level, emphasized by the term ezer kenegdo; a help mate that is fitting to him. Man needs a partner who is similar to him, namely, who is also created b’tzelem Elokim with the unique human features that separate man from animal⁴. The Birkat Asher and Chizkuni⁵, among others, comment that Hashem waited for Adam to realize that he too needed and wanted a companion, so that he would have greater appreciation for her and recognize her worth. Rav Solevetichik explains that companionship is an essential need for man’s being. Through companionship man transitions from a lonely existence to one in which he finds “completeness and legitimacy.”⁶

Thus we can understand an ezer kenegdo as being a uniquely suited partner with whom one can collaborate on and fulfill his life’s mission. She helps in the practical sense, but also in the deeper, spiritual, mental and emotional facets of life.

Potential for Conflict

While this is all certainly romantic, one cannot deny that the word kenegdo, brings with it a certain negativity, the word neged literally meaning against. Rashi picks up on this ambiguity and comments: “Ezer (helpmate) K’negdo (lit. opposite him)” If he merits it: a helpmate; if he does not merit it: opposite him as one ready for battle.”⁷

The Kli Yakar posits that this is the reason that the creation of Adam does not come along with the words ‘ki tov’, as do the creation of all the other creations. Between two people there is always a chance of machloket, disagreement. However, he explains, it is for this reason that Adam and Chava were created initially as one being. That they literally are made from the same material is an essential link and joins them in a bond of love. The language of ‘opposition’ does not mean an aggressive or oppressive nature, but rather as it says in Tehillim, I have placed Hashem kenegedi, before me always⁸. Sometimes we need a person to be ‘against’ us; to challenge us, question our ideas and behaviors. Sometimes we need a person to be ‘before/in -front of’ us, to mirror and reflect back to us. When this is done from a place of love, it is not a fight. When a man is worthy of his wife’s love and respect, she will be a help to him, even in opposing him. An ezer kenegdo is a helpmate who challenges her spouse, and through this helps him to grow.

Unique Identities

The separation and later unification of Adam and Chava point to another important aspect of love and marriage from a Torah outlook. In creating two separate but equal humans, Hashem is showing us the importance of seeing each individual in the image of Hashem.

The Sages tell us, “When a human being makes many coins in the same mint, they all come out alike. God makes every human being in the same image, His image, and they are all different.”⁹

This concept is important not only in marriage, but in life in general and perhaps forms the Jewish answer to the question of gender equality; we are all created different, but equal in the eyes of Hashem. Rav Sacks writes “In fact the very first human relationship, between the first man and the first woman, contains a two-word definition of covenant: ezer kenegdo, meaning on the one hand “a helper,” but on the other, someone “over-and-against.” In a marriage, neither husband nor wife sacrifice their distinctive identities.”¹⁰ Initially Adam calls his wife Isha, because ‘from Ish she was taken’.¹¹ This points to the intrinsic connection between them, but is reminiscent of that one being with two faces. Later on Adam gives her an independent name, Chava, the mother of all life, focussing on one of woman’s most remarkable roles, the source of continued life and existence. An ezer kenegdo, is a unique person in and of herself, even while maintaining a supportive relationship with her spouse.

Partners of Hashem

As is often this case, the concept of a marriage partnership can be applied between man and Hashem. Rabbi Sacks suggests that mankind is God’s ezer kenegdo. Man was created to be a partner with God, His helpmate, in Creation. We see this clearly in the verses of Creation. Man is also the only being who is capable of turning against (neged) Hashem, (and we unfortunately have, and do). But just as Adam and Chava were created from the same materials, which gives them their unique closeness, so too humanity was created from the same materials as Hashem, as we are created in His image. This commonality is what gives us closeness to Hashem and makes it possible to be His partner, His ezer kenegdo.¹²

So much more can be said about this phrase, but perhaps the take home message is that when we are blessed to be in a partnership, both with Hashem and a life partner, to be an ezer kenegdo is a precious role and an opportunity that gives us the power to build better individual, social and even global relationships. So may we be worthy.

1. Bereish*t, 2,18 ↩︎
2. Bereish*t 1,27 ↩︎
3. Berachot 61a, Eruvin, 18a ↩︎
4. Cassuto on Genesis, From Adam to Noah, 2,18 ↩︎
5. Birkat Asher, Chizkuni on Bereish*t 2, 18 ↩︎
6. Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, ‘Adam and Eve,’ Family Redeemed ↩︎
7. Rashi, Bereish*t 2,18 ↩︎
8. Kli Yakar, Bereish*t 2,18 ↩︎
9. Sanhedrin 4:5. ↩︎
10. Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, 2020, Judaism’s Life Changing Ideas; A Weekly Reading of the Jewish Bible, Yitro, the Bond of Loyalty and Love. (Online version) ↩︎
11. Bereish*t 2, 23 ↩︎
12. https://rabbisacks.org/archive/faith-lectures-creation-where-did-we-come-from/ ↩︎